i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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