Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
