my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
