This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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