smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
