That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
