Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
