I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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