I could have mohawked her pubes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Houston, we have a blender
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
