She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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