you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
