All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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