i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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