Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
