If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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