I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
