I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
