girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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