i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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