yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
