i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize