DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
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Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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