You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
