Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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