I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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