we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
