I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
