What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Oh god it's open bar.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
