I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This is classic penis vs brain.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
