Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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