My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Michael Bay diarrhea
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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