Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
