just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
As shirtless as possible
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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