the condom got lost in my hair
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
