Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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