There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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