just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
