why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
