I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
