i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
