i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
