you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
