plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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