Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
