I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
