I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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