we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
