I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
