i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
