This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What drink are we having for lunch?
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I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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