im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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