ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
