you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
