My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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