i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
