it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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