So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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