Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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