I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
