Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
