Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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