evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
